Blah

I've been really down lately, and I think it's starting to effect things in my life. I just can't pull myself out of this continuous bad mood. Jimmy's starting to get sick of it, I know it's making me slack at work, and honestly, I don't like being like this.

I'm trying to figure out what it has to do with. I think it has a lot to do with our current housing situation and the impending uncertainty that is our future at this point. It has to do with the fact that I am PMSing, but that is something that will go away in a week or so. I think it also has to do with the fact that next Saturday is the 4 year anniversary of my Dad's death.

I don't really talk about my dad a lot, but I really really miss him and I think that the anger is starting to fade to the point that sadness is starting to set in. I know that four years is a long time, but I have a lot of anger. I never had a real "break down" moment with the whole thing and I think that I needed to and not having had that moment has been sort of like a denial.

It's not like I live in denial of his death, and it's not like I don't ever talk about it, but it is something that lives in the back of my mind every single moment of every day and I feel like this upcoming anniversary is going to be worse than the last three years. I don't know why, it's not like there is any major significance for it being the four year anniversary, it just seems different this year. More top of mind if that's possible.

I hate that there is such a stigma with it all. And I hate the anger. Why couldn't it have been an accident, why couldn't it have been an illness. Why in God's name would you ever CHOOSE to leave. I still can't get over that he CHOSE to leave me. That he CHOSE death over me. I know that that is selfish of me. I understand that my father was horribly depressed and that he had been for years and that some people knew he had this horrible illness that ate and ate at him every single day, but I had no idea. I was 19, why didn't anyone tell me that I should talk to my Dad about his depression. Ask him how he was doing. He lied to me. He made me think everything was ok, he made me think that his life was honkie freakin dorie when in fact he was absolutely miserable inside... I had no idea. And the thing that hurts me most is that I saw him the day before he did it and he made plans with me. He knew he would never see me again and he made plans with me for later that week. So my last memory of my dad is of him lying to me.

I hate that he missed my college graduation.

I hate that he missed my wedding.

I hate that my husband never got to meet him.

I hate that I had the absolute best dad in the world and now he is gone.

I hate that he will never meet his grandchildren.

I hate that I will never ever get to talk to my dad ever again.

I hate that it has been four years since I have seen his face or heard his voice.

I just hate that he left me.

But I don't hate him. And therein lies my issue.

So, if you notice that I am down over the next week or so, this is why. I don't post this for pity, trust me, I don't want it. I just have to vent, and that is the whole reason I have a blog to begin with. So pardon me while I get this all out.