It's been 3 weeks.

I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club,
my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick.
I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members.
Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings -- I welcomed them all.

But they never came. And before I knew it,
my membership was revoked.No real reason --
at least none I could discern -- other than bad timing, perhaps.
Or, at least, that's what everyone's been telling me.
That and "God's plan."

Miscarriage is a terrible word.
As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly.
Similar to "mistake" or "misunderstanding."
How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed.
If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.
But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise.

1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books.
That statistic terrified me when I was pregnant.
So many lost babies, I thought. How can I keep mine from being one of them?
But now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.
Or, at least, it did.

Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief,
"It happened to me, too."
Their eyes told me the stories of the pain that we shared,
the pain that only a woman who has carried a child - and lost it - could know.
For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.

A sisterhood of sadness.
It's a silent group,
this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member.
Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts.
Our dues are paid in blood and tears.
It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership.
Because one never forgets.

I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn't given the choice.
But at least I know I'm not alone.
At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me,
however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand.


**Thanks to the ladies of The Nest Pregnancy Loss boards and the TTC boards. You have all been a great help in this process.


Ode to the things I love.

1) My husband.

Given all our ups and downs of the last few months he has proven to be so incredible. On our two year wedding anniversary, I love him more than ever! See pics below :)

2) My Mommy.

Like I've said numerous times, I have the best Mom in the world. I have a great family all around, but Mom easily takes the cake.

3) My dogs.

I love my pups more than life. They are so stinking cute and make me smile each day.

4) Microsoft Excel.

A lot of you know of my sickening love for excel. It truly makes my heart happy. For the OCD child inside of me, excel makes me melt. You can organize things and sort things and make things add up with nifty formulas. Oh, how I love thee...

5) Gossip Girl.

This show is my new guitly pleasure. I LOVE IT! I tried to get an episode on here for your viewing pleasure but the CW won't let me... boo.

I love a lot of other things too, but these are the coolest!

Happy Anniversary!

Can't believe we've been married for two years today...


I'm awesome!

I could survive for 1 minute, 3 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor


My baby.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

We can't be friends.

My coworkers are being awesome. But I think GP and I are over. Capital O-V-E-R.

I was talking to a group of people around my desk, most of them offering sympathy which is much appreciated. I understand that these conversations are awkward. I've dealt with them before.

After the typical, How are you, I'm okay, Good, conversation, GP comes in and says, "Well, in better news, my husband and I are going to start trying next month." My coworker and I look at her and say, what else, "Good for you."

I may be overreacting but I just don't see this as the appropriate time for this comment. I just LOST MY BABY. This is my first day back at work. The last thing that I want to think about is you having a happy, healthy baby...

**Back story, GP is 10 years older than me. She talks down to me like I'm her little sister. She thinks she knows what is best for me and thinks it's her place to tell me so. A few months back, GP found out her niece was pregnant. She was telling me that her niece (who is my age) is not ready for a baby. She found her niece was spotting and going to the doctor and had the nerve to say that she hoped her niece loses the baby because her and her husband just aren't ready for that type of committment.) After this conversation, I didn't talk to her for a few weeks. I thought that this was the cruelest thing I'd ever heard anyone say. For her to wish that on her niece was beyond my comprehension, and this was before I knew I was pregnant.

So, today, my other coworker walks away and GP goes on to whisper to me, "Maybe this was God's way of telling you that you weren't ready for a baby. You know, you're young and you guys have a lot of things to sort out before you start a family."


SO as of today, GP and I are no longer friends. I'm sure she won't know why. She's oblivious to the hurtfulness of her words. I can't deal with it anymore. She has a cruel heart, and is possible the most selfish person I've ever met. She's a nice girl, but a person who can have those thoughts and say those things is not someone I want to associate with. It could be the emotions talking right now, but I don't think so.

I hate this.

We found out on Tuesday, 9/2 that our sweet baby is gone. I went in for my 12 week appointment and was so excited to see it to hear it to have any connection with my baby. There was no hearbeat. There was no movement. My baby was gone. They said I probably lost it around 10 weeks but had yet to naturally miscarry. I opted to have a D&C. It's basically a surgery to get the baby out as opposed to waiting to naturally miscarry which could take weeks. I couldn't stand to wait that long knowing my baby was gone inside me.

**Stop reading now if you can't handle the flood of emotions that are about to come. This is my blog and for now is going to act as my therapeutic journal. So excuse the breakdown**

Why me? Why? Haven't I gone through enough in life? How much more do I have to take before someone steps in and says ENOUGH! This poor girl has been through MORE THAN ENOUGH in 23 years. Give her a break. Why couldn't I have a happy healthy baby? Haven't I paid my dues? I feel like I've been through more in my life than anyone should have to. I know people go through worse, but really. I've struggled for so long, can I PLEASE catch a break??? Is it too much to ask? I can't help but feel sorry for myself right now.

But I can be thankful that my husband is amazing. He's been so good this last week. Letting me cry whenever I want, wherever I want and just letting me be. If anything, this experience has made him realize that he really does want a family. He's just as upset as I am and that means a lot to me.

I know that people go through worse, and I can only pray that my next pregnancy will be a healthy one and I will eventually have that beautiful happy, health baby. But until then, I can't help but wonder. I know someday I will be an awesome mom, but for now it all seems so impossible. So horribly crushing and all encompassing. I'm okay, really I am, but I feel so defeated.

But, my Dad got to meet his grandbaby early. Maybe they can put in a good word for me and ask the Big Man to cut me a break.