I hate this.

We found out on Tuesday, 9/2 that our sweet baby is gone. I went in for my 12 week appointment and was so excited to see it to hear it to have any connection with my baby. There was no hearbeat. There was no movement. My baby was gone. They said I probably lost it around 10 weeks but had yet to naturally miscarry. I opted to have a D&C. It's basically a surgery to get the baby out as opposed to waiting to naturally miscarry which could take weeks. I couldn't stand to wait that long knowing my baby was gone inside me.

**Stop reading now if you can't handle the flood of emotions that are about to come. This is my blog and for now is going to act as my therapeutic journal. So excuse the breakdown**

Why me? Why? Haven't I gone through enough in life? How much more do I have to take before someone steps in and says ENOUGH! This poor girl has been through MORE THAN ENOUGH in 23 years. Give her a break. Why couldn't I have a happy healthy baby? Haven't I paid my dues? I feel like I've been through more in my life than anyone should have to. I know people go through worse, but really. I've struggled for so long, can I PLEASE catch a break??? Is it too much to ask? I can't help but feel sorry for myself right now.

But I can be thankful that my husband is amazing. He's been so good this last week. Letting me cry whenever I want, wherever I want and just letting me be. If anything, this experience has made him realize that he really does want a family. He's just as upset as I am and that means a lot to me.

I know that people go through worse, and I can only pray that my next pregnancy will be a healthy one and I will eventually have that beautiful happy, health baby. But until then, I can't help but wonder. I know someday I will be an awesome mom, but for now it all seems so impossible. So horribly crushing and all encompassing. I'm okay, really I am, but I feel so defeated.

But, my Dad got to meet his grandbaby early. Maybe they can put in a good word for me and ask the Big Man to cut me a break.