My subconsicous at its best...

Last night I had a dream. I will try to describe it the best I can...

I was in a hospital, but it wasn't like a normal hospital. It was like a cafeteria. I was in a hospital bed, but there were lots of tables and people in the giant gymnasium like room. (I attribute this weird setup to watching Grey's Anatomy last night and the scenes where they are in the cafeteria). Anyway, I'm holding a beautiful dark haired baby boy and am ecstatic. As I'm holding him, I feel a kick in my stomach. I'm holding a newborn baby, but I'm still pregnant. Two men (I think they were doctors) come up to my hospital bed to talk to us. The conversation goes on back and forth and I tell them there is another baby, I'm supposed to be having twins, they forgot one, they need to get him out. They said no, you had a c-section, and you are holding your baby. The other baby inside of you is dead, you will have to wait and have the dead baby naturally, we can't help you. I try to insist that the baby in me is not dead, I can feel him moving. I am freaking out because they gave me a c-section and only took one baby out, they forgot one.

This goes on and on for what seems like forever. I get up and hand my baby off to be taken care of by none other than my boss Casey, weird. And I start roaming the hospital looking for this blonde lady who was apparently the doctor I wanted. I kept telling her, he's moving inside me, he's not dead, we have to get him out.

Then I woke up.

I laid in bed trying to analyze my bizarre dream and I came to an oddly prolific conclusion.

Had my first pregnancy been successful, tomorrow would have been my due date... 3/14/09. So I would have probably already been holding my baby. And I always felt like that baby was a boy. And I think I really was feeling this current baby boy move while I was dreaming because when I woke up he was kicking away.

Sorry if this freaks any of you out, but it's amazing how our subconcious works. I thought I was doing totally ok with coming up on my first due date and I still think I'm doing pretty well, but I will never forget what could have been. I'm so incredibly thankful for this baby boy I will have in my arms in 4 short months, but I will never get back what I lost in that first baby.

Anyway, not sure what I should be feeling, but I think it's a mixture of sadness and hope.