I'm awesome!

I could survive for 1 minute, 3 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

My baby.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

We can't be friends.

My coworkers are being awesome. But I think GP and I are over. Capital O-V-E-R.

I was talking to a group of people around my desk, most of them offering sympathy which is much appreciated. I understand that these conversations are awkward. I've dealt with them before.

After the typical, How are you, I'm okay, Good, conversation, GP comes in and says, "Well, in better news, my husband and I are going to start trying next month." My coworker and I look at her and say, what else, "Good for you."

I may be overreacting but I just don't see this as the appropriate time for this comment. I just LOST MY BABY. This is my first day back at work. The last thing that I want to think about is you having a happy, healthy baby...

**Back story, GP is 10 years older than me. She talks down to me like I'm her little sister. She thinks she knows what is best for me and thinks it's her place to tell me so. A few months back, GP found out her niece was pregnant. She was telling me that her niece (who is my age) is not ready for a baby. She found her niece was spotting and going to the doctor and had the nerve to say that she hoped her niece loses the baby because her and her husband just aren't ready for that type of committment.) After this conversation, I didn't talk to her for a few weeks. I thought that this was the cruelest thing I'd ever heard anyone say. For her to wish that on her niece was beyond my comprehension, and this was before I knew I was pregnant.

So, today, my other coworker walks away and GP goes on to whisper to me, "Maybe this was God's way of telling you that you weren't ready for a baby. You know, you're young and you guys have a lot of things to sort out before you start a family."

I CANNOT BELIEVE THOSE WORDS CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

SO as of today, GP and I are no longer friends. I'm sure she won't know why. She's oblivious to the hurtfulness of her words. I can't deal with it anymore. She has a cruel heart, and is possible the most selfish person I've ever met. She's a nice girl, but a person who can have those thoughts and say those things is not someone I want to associate with. It could be the emotions talking right now, but I don't think so.

I hate this.

We found out on Tuesday, 9/2 that our sweet baby is gone. I went in for my 12 week appointment and was so excited to see it to hear it to have any connection with my baby. There was no hearbeat. There was no movement. My baby was gone. They said I probably lost it around 10 weeks but had yet to naturally miscarry. I opted to have a D&C. It's basically a surgery to get the baby out as opposed to waiting to naturally miscarry which could take weeks. I couldn't stand to wait that long knowing my baby was gone inside me.

**Stop reading now if you can't handle the flood of emotions that are about to come. This is my blog and for now is going to act as my therapeutic journal. So excuse the breakdown**

Why me? Why? Haven't I gone through enough in life? How much more do I have to take before someone steps in and says ENOUGH! This poor girl has been through MORE THAN ENOUGH in 23 years. Give her a break. Why couldn't I have a happy healthy baby? Haven't I paid my dues? I feel like I've been through more in my life than anyone should have to. I know people go through worse, but really. I've struggled for so long, can I PLEASE catch a break??? Is it too much to ask? I can't help but feel sorry for myself right now.

But I can be thankful that my husband is amazing. He's been so good this last week. Letting me cry whenever I want, wherever I want and just letting me be. If anything, this experience has made him realize that he really does want a family. He's just as upset as I am and that means a lot to me.

I know that people go through worse, and I can only pray that my next pregnancy will be a healthy one and I will eventually have that beautiful happy, health baby. But until then, I can't help but wonder. I know someday I will be an awesome mom, but for now it all seems so impossible. So horribly crushing and all encompassing. I'm okay, really I am, but I feel so defeated.

But, my Dad got to meet his grandbaby early. Maybe they can put in a good word for me and ask the Big Man to cut me a break.

Bogus Office-isms

Our office is ridiculous. Seriously.

We are frequently lectured on how to do the most mundane and ridiculous tasks as if they are foreign to everyone and we need step by step instructions including stick figure drawings.

Here are a few examples, just from the past week:

1) Computer 101:

Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 1:28 PM

To: AOT Staff

Subject: Important Information - About Your Computers

REMINDER: Computers are to be shut down every night. Please do not just log off. This is especially important in our attempts to conserve energy in every way possible. It does make a difference.

Thank you.

Executive Assistant

Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 1:32 PM

To: AOT Staff

Subject: RE: Important Information - About Your Computers

Something else I learned at GCOT in the Sustainable Tourism session is that the computer monitor uses about 70% of the power consumed by a computer – so please turn off your monitors at night too!!!!

Thanks,

**Captain Obvious

Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 1:40 PM

To: AOT Staff

Subject: FW: Important Information - About Your Computers

Just an FYI – just because the monitor goes dark when you turn off the computer, that does not mean it is not still drawing power. If you look in the lower right hand corner of your monitor right now, you’ll see a green button. You have to push that off when you turn off the computer to cut off the monitor’s power.

**Captain Obvious

--So, let's discuss... you are telling me that the little green button on the bottom right of my monitor will let me turn it off and on... REALLY??? OMG! I never knew. Wow... what else am i missing in this world.

2) How to schedule/unschedule a meeting:

Sent: Monday, July 14, 2008 1:51 PM
To: AOT Staff
Subject: Conference room Scheduling

IMPORTANT REMINDERS:

Conference Room Scheduling:

• If you schedule the conference room, be sure your name in somewhere in that appointment as the scheduler (or the name of the person you are reserving it for).
• If you have only a few attendees showing up for a meeting, their names should be in the body of the appointment.
• If you have a large group, you may just put a comment such as expecting approximately 15 people.
• The “Subject” line should be at least similar to what your guests say they are showing up for. Otherwise, the person up front will be unnecessarily confused.
• If you use the conference room for a meeting, it must be on the calendar. If you have a sudden meeting and notice the room is open, please don’t just take it. It will continue to look open on the calendar and one or more colleague could be arranging a meeting…expecting it to be open. This has happened on more than one occasion. It is important that any time you use the conference room to put it on the calendar.
• When a meeting changes, please be sure to update the calendar. Common oversights are that meetings are called off and it remains on the conference schedule; date changes and appointment is added at the new time and not removed from the old time so it is actually on twice.
• Please note when you attend a meeting in the conference room if someone is scheduled right behind you. It is important to vacate promptly for the next meeting. Waiting around until they hover at the door is not a good process. They are probably watching the door waiting for you to leave.

As an organization it is important for us to look as if we are really expecting our visitors, and without good scheduling information, this is very difficult for anyone who is at the front desk. Every department is extremely busy and we only have one Conference Room to share. Diligence in keeping the Conference Room schedule accurate and informative is a vital contribution to our team effort.

Thanks…
Executive Assistant

--Huh, good to know. Didn't realize that the apocalypse could happen because I forgot to remove a meeting from the conference room schedule. Are you going into cardiac arrest? Oh, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot that we moved that meeting to tomorrow. Please, I'm sorry, please, don't give yourself a heart attack, it'll be ok, I promise!

-- On a side note, I really like the ... after the "Thanks." Makes it seems like she really isn't saying thanks. Or that the thanks is contingent on your cooperation. The all empowering DOT DOT DOT.

And finally.

3) So we can STALK YOU:

In our staff meeting this week, we were told that it is ESSENTIAL that our staff keep their personal calendars up to date. Because if we don't and someone needs to find us and doesn't know where we are, it causes a ridiculous amount of stress for all involved. I mean, what if someone calls a director and needs something and none of us minions are at our desks to get it done. Then they look at our calendars and can't find us. Then they have to do it themselves and that just ISN'T AN OPTION. I mean when's the last time they had to print and staple COPIES. UH, that is so not in their job description.

So we were told that we need to update meetings and indicate whether they are in office or out of office. And if they are out of office we need to check the box that says out of office so it shows up purple on our calendars indicating that we aren't in the building. You know, the drop down menu, under the all day event box. Check that one. No not that one, the other one. Oh, never mind, if you have questions I'll come to your desk and show you.

Oh, and if your meeting is out of the office, please indicate where it is so that if we can't get ahold of you and need something, we can find you. Like get in our car and drive to whereever you are and demand that you come back to the office to order office supplies for me.

--Sorry that one was a bit exaggerated, but the general gist of it was seriously explained to us at a staff meeting. I feel like a toddler. Sad thing is, there were some Oohs and Aahs and "I didn't know we could do that with our computers" from the 50+ crowd we work with. Sometimes I'm so thankful that I grew up with basic technology.

K- think I'm done for now. Did I miss anything?

Oh, LT... poor you.

LT's quote of the day...

While reading her horoscope, "This has nothing to do with what we're talking about, but it says, 'tonight, reverse gears.'" Starts the laugh-then talks... "That's funny..." continues laughing at her self and her "joke" for a good three minutes straight.

Meghan tries to contain her laughter behind the newspaper, Traci stuffs her face some more to pretend she is eating and not laughing, and I just avert eye contact and try not to choke on my food.

What the hell was she laughing at??? I don't get it.



Oh, and on another note, people today have been so ridiculously stupid that I think I'm officially in the top 1% of the world as far as intelligence. Seriously, 99% of the world is stupider than me. It's official.

Need a new dress?

I stumbled across this today. Just think, if our nation would think outside the box a bit, maybe our teenage pregnancy rates would decrease and the STD statistics would stop growing...

Like these nurses in China:

The two nurses, from a hospital in Xiamen city, showed off their condom outfits at a public health promotion.
More than 5,000 condoms and two weeks' work went into making the two dresses, reports People's Daily.
"They're a visual shock, and good to remind people of the importance of safe sex," said a hospital spokesman.
The two nurses handed out booklets and condoms to onlookers at the event, held to mark World Aids Day.
The hospital used another 10,000 condoms to make a banner, reading "Combating AIDS, Implementing Commitments", for the event.

To read the actual story, click here.